KolomKita.Com

And there she was, sitting in the bus wondering why she suddenly got really excited. She smiled, a wide one, she let herself enjoying the excitement in her heart—long ago had she had this kind of feeling. But far deep inside her heart she felt afraid.

‘What is this feeling? Why do I keep imagining this person? And why does my excitement rocket when it is about her? Am I really fond of…’

She did not have the courage to put the last words of the sentence. She felt confused.

‘What is wrong with me?? I thought it had stopped. Then why? Why?’

She could hear her heart panting as she addressed the questions to herself. Then memories were going around her head, like sitting on one of the horses of a merry-go-round. Her player kept playing songs to kill the last minutes she would spend on the bus, to kill the funny and stupid feeling that she had.

The traffic was absolutely crowded and the bus crawled like a slug, real slow. She started to lose her patience.

‘Shit, this is rush hour and it takes this long to arrive on the bridge!’

Again, she felt even more terrified than before. What was it that could not wait? What was so urgent that she should lose herself among these thousands of smoke-producers? Was it the food that she expected from her guest?

She gazed through the wide window. Looking at the street vendors, she knew that the feeling was there because of this special guest, the person herself, was going to visit her. Her heart panted even faster when she found out about the fact.

“I am a Catholic. I believe in God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. I want to serve Him even though I do not know how. Why does this thing happen to me? Never in my dream that I would be attracted to the same…. God, really, what should I do to stop this?” She whispered like a child through the little volume coming out from her earphone.

There she was, still watching the traffic crawling in the middle of the afternoon. One more time she recalled memories about this memorable guest, the times they shared together, fought over unimportant things, and supported each other when staying up late for projects, and so on and so on. Her mind had drawn a very nice view for her, gave her a trick that she enjoyed very much. She smiled, just like an in-love smile; and the smile turned into a bitter look in the next second.

‘Jesus Christ…’

The bus finally reached the bus stop. She stood up and got ready to get off the bus, still, along with her weird passion. She walked with the speed of a sprinter, climbing the bridge, crossing it, and getting down from it. A thought crossed her mind that she might better take a motorbike service so that she could arrive earlier. She feared that her guest would go home sooner without seeing her if she had not arrived soon.

And the most important part was SHE FEARED HER FEAR A LOT.

She cancelled her plan to take the motorbike and continued walking. Walking and walking, her excitement reached to top of her head. She finally arrived in front of her residence. It was 4.30.

‘Exactly.’

She was happy to know that her guest had not been there yet. She unlocked the door and entered her room. Still thinking hard, she sat down, took out her diary, trying badly to divert her attention to another thing. She then jotted her expense for that day and summed it. She winked to her watch, 4.40.

She started to worry that this guest would cancel her departure. She got up and got out her room, walked along her way to the front door. She stood with her hands on her wrists, watching the front gate and wondering why the guest had not showed up yet. Then something struck her mind.

‘Gosh, I am a very patient person and trained to wait. What drives me this crazy?’

Walking back to her room, she felt hopeless. The desperation that lies in her heart since January then had grown even bigger.

‘This can’t be. I thought it had stopped. I thought I had stopped being fond of her.’

A heavy breath was exhaled with a sound of burden. Her ears listened beyond the walls and alleys of her residence. When the clock finally showed five, she got more nervous.

‘Where is she? Did she cancel? No, she cannot. She has told me firmly. She cannot do this to me. But why is not she here yet?’

She tried to kill the time by typing something on her laptop. Something, anything to stop her from being nuts—only because of waiting for a person.

Twenty minutes later, she thought she heard her guest’s voice. She came out the room excitedly.

“Hey…!!”

Her breath stopped. She was stunned, but tried hard to cover it.
‘You get more gorgeous, really.’ ‘What am I saying?? Stop it!’ ‘Are you crazy??’

The conversation ran smoothly, just as usual like they had done for the last three years. Sometimes laughter was thrown and not so long, her roommate arrived. A little disappointment tickled her heart. Not good, she said to herself. OK, let it be, then.

With her iris focusing, she watched her closer and closer while her guest was telling stories. She felt even fancier… and stopped it directly.

‘I should not feel this..’

Then the three of them went out for a dinner.

And there I was, sitting in front of her, feeling amazed and stupid.

‘Don’t’.

When we finally went to different direction, I really wanted to look back, made sure that she was fine there, behind my back.

It was like driving on one of the horses of a merry-go-round.

Dizzy. Weird. Funny.

But I knew that I could not be there forever. I should not even claim or reveal it to anybody. I should runaway from it, get off the merry-go-round, and face the norms and rules of my religion and my community.